and so it begins....

it is now Tuesday, 10 November 2009

i begin these journal writings because i've noticed i've been REAL bad at keeping track of dates and special events

with her
holy shit

it was always me in prior relationships who kept every special date written down, every blog/text/email in a folder, special stepping stones of happenings throughout the relationship...i've stopped doing that

reason: unknown

but She does....and it's precious

and it's kind of a relief too
as the burden is no longer with me
for a change

but this lack of my doing it has caused me guilt tinged with sadness because i know it's important to Her

my M

so i've decided to keep a journal
online
(kind of like Melissa's Tammy - Hollywood Farm Girl, if you know what i mean)

but unlike Her's
Her's written with Her sexy penmanship in little journal books with lined paper

the other difference on mine will be that very private stuff will be kept OFF this page for no one's eyes

that's where i'm now different too
since soulmating with Her

i no longer share my worries and woes with friends/family/blog sites
i keep them to myself
i try to share them with Her when i'm calm
(or not - fuck)
and i strive to work them out with Her/Us

i love this woman
to no end
this life partner i know is my
soulmate

and with this love for Her
brings a few changes in me

including the utmost respect for Her/Our stuff,
issues
whatever you want to call it

so let's see
(babe, if you read this, please correct any boo-boos 'cause you know how stupid i've been with dates)

we met online on myspace.com in November? 2006
she was tied to someone
i was tied to someone
neither matchup going too well for either of us

we became fast, really good friends
our lives always seeming to be parallel with each other's
sharing our happy/sad/angry/fucked up times

2007 (month forgotten) she moved several provinces away
holy shit ;-(

but friendship remained
we were good penpals

19 May 2008, thanks to her daddy's 75th, we had a chance to meet up in person
as friends

in short, we had a blast together
Her energies fucking amazing
Her eyes sparkling, filled with laughter
(and sexiness)
She, inspiring me in many areas, including photography which i'm not too shabby at.

5 days later, She went back home

later (or recently) i find out, She left with sadness, heartache and a vow to move back to her family and friends here
and, shockingly

me

and so Our journey continued on a rocky road created soley by me....

a couple of months after she left from Our visit, i ended my relationship with my then gf on PRIDE weekend - yeah, timing's never been my forte

only 3 weeks later, i hook back up with her, realizing within a few days that i'd made a mistake....all that frustration and pent up emotions sent me into total bitch mode and since my then gf intensely disliked M and rode my ass hard about my friendship with her, i did a really stupid thing....

i flung M from my life
in a stone-cold way

during all of that, She still moved back here, leaving behind a world of precious personal belongings too expensive to bring back with Her....the cost for Her enormous, both financial and emotional.

it scared me, Her move back and then to find out She was now working only a couple of blocks away from my work....but i knew i missed Her
i missed Our friendship

so, tail between my legs, i emailed Her with anticipated, cautious hope that She would forgive me

in short, She did
cautiously
ecause i knew i'd hurt Her badly a few months back

but there She was
gain
ll glorious wonderful Her

although i could see tiny hints of Her feelings towards me, i made extra efforts to ignore those hints because, in my mind, something serious between Us was not feasible...ever

thinking i'd accomplished my goal of blocking Her out romantically, i failed to realize that all Her blogs She'd been writing the past almost 2? yrs were actually about me...Her dreams of Us.

i honestly (and stupidly) thought She was writing about other women She'd fallen for because before the end of 2008, She was single and free despite Her ex-gf having moved back with Her and now being roommates and still good friends...

we continued to hang out more and more....earlier this year, i, too, made a final disconnection from my gf, breathing many sighs of relief from the turmoils that had caused me...so now i, too, was free and single and determined to STAY that way.....
or not ;-)
serious attempt was to be made to wile away my wicked ways with as many women as i could...never to tie myself to anyone again

but then something intervened in my solid plans...

since PRIDE weekend of this year, i came to the realization that this woman had been loving me for a very long time
this woman had been patient and stoic through all of Our turmoils, including the time i coldly pushed Her out of my life

thinking i could do the 'friends-with-benefits' thing with Her, i leaped at the chance to finally see what was behind all that sexual energy between Us quickly realizing that i, too, was falling into the realm of loving Her

in July, after taking a long hard look at my life and what i really wanted, i, once again, went over my 'list of criteria' - a list i had of what i needed and expected in someone who was going to share my life
an impossible list, really, because who would ever fit that mold?

surprisingly, i found She met every single criteria
wow
the reality jolted me backwards
hard

but a scarey decision was made at that very moment

the decision to love Her like my heart told me to
the decision to take Her hand and jump off the cliff together into the pit of uncertain life together

She told me that the look in my eyes had changed from one day to the next - my eyes told her what my mouth couldn't right away
the look She now saw radiated my pure love for Her

that look is my daily goal for Her....i need Her to know how much i love Her each and every single day
how much i adore Her
how much i cherish Her
how much i need Her in my life

this amazing creature i will soon call my wife