Thurs, 3 Jun 2010
wow! has it really been since FEBRUARY that i've journalized??? well, shit...i've been pretty busy with wedding plans and all! jeesh ;-)
yes...15 days married today and it still feels surreal at times.
We had a wonderful, beautiful day. the ceremony was beautiful and just right for Us. kudos to City Hall for such a heartwarming and memorable wedding ceremony for She and i (and Our small but happy group of family/friends).
it's strange yet wonderfully refreshing to compare my two weddings...yes, sadly, i'd been married before - and even sadder...to a dude - for 19 yrs :-(
yet, it's not a regret in my life because i am proud of the two amazing humans that were born from that relationship.
i find myself retelling the story comparisons to those interested in knowing why i would get married a second time...or married at all.
i find myself having sad memories of the first time around on 1 Sept 1984 - waking up, calling my mom and crying my heart out - asking "why" am i getting married? telling her it's not what i wanted to do...and not even an inkling of my lesbianism was even remotely the reason way back then. i just simply didn't want to get married to him but felt it was my only option. and who was going to tell over 500 wedding-hungry people that the wedding was off?? man, considering 85% of the guests were from his side, that would have been a death call for me. plus, when he asked me to marry him and i hesitated, it was an ultimatum...either yes now or no forever. so, not having my head on 'straight' at the time, wtf was i supposed to do?? i was 23 and didn't think anything better was ever waiting for me out in the world. the possibility of coming out as a lesbian was so far hidden in the recesses of my brain that was certainly not even an option to be considered as, at that time, i still felt coming out would never be an option in my life. so, yeah...i went ahead, said yes but knew that the underlying sadness was not what married life was supposed to be...but who had ever let me know or encouraged me that there were other options?? no one in my life.
i love my mom to the depth of my core but even she made it seem like i had no other options...on that day when i called her crying my heart out and, eventually, later when i finally came out to her 21 yrs after that first wedding day. when it all blurted out of me on the phone that i was a lesbian, she simply said that was no surprise to her and that she'd known since i was at least a teenager. when i asked her why she didn't divulge this knowledge to me, she said she didn't want me to have a difficult life as a lesbian surely would have had...oh, really, mom? in comparison to what? the 'better' life i had with him?? the abuse, the anger, the constant negatives? that's what her silence was saving me from?
well, in understanding my mom better in recent years, she had her own homophobic issues which i understood but didn't want her using as an excuse...not with me (or my M) anyhow.
but she sat proudly at Our wedding 15 days ago, 19 May 2010. my kids stood proudly for Us as Our witnesses. WE stood proudly, facing each other, holding Our hands and repeating the beautiful vows that our officiant had set out for Us.
the second time (for me but first for my M), is completely different in ALL aspects to the the first time around. not only in the gender i married but in the day, surroundings and events themselves.
this time i was marrying the 'vision' i had had in my head for many years but never thought was ever possible.
this time i wore simple yet appealingly beautiful outfits (yes, i wore two different styles in the matter of about 30 minutes - lol - a story on its own).
this time i was looking into the eyes of a beautiful soul mate who's love for me was so deep and genuine like i'd never experienced ever in my life. a love i fervently and happily reciprocate.
this time i was marrying the person i wanted to marry. i was elated and giddy about Our upcoming wedding...i was looking forward to getting married and i most certainly look forward to spending my life with Her. i'm excited about Our life together...what we'll do, where we'll go and the adventures we'll share together. the 'loner' side of me seems to have disappeared.
this time, when i cried on my wedding day, it was with the happiest of tears and with proud honour of marrying Her. i was proud of Us.
and like one of my friends, a guest at the wedding, said to me later...the day was all about M and i - not about flowers, not about guests, not about the dress or the food or anything material...it was about M and i solidifying Our love and committment to each other and how Our love for each other cast an energy that hovered in the entire room.
i turned 50 11 days before We got married...this was the BEST birthday present anyone could ever ask for.
i love You, my M.