19 April 2011



is how i feel...


not the same person
i was

the outer me
hard and cold

the inner soul of me


their inner ugliness...
the world
chipped away at me

until only this shell

i lean on the
strength of Her
too often

the One who loves me
for me
broken me
sad me
angry, hateful me
fragile me

sometimes too much
even for Her

my anger at this world
inside of me

anger with humanity

disdain my daily keeper

all the bullshit of
fucked up judgements
hateful words
hateful stares

rare the human
who holds the simplicity
of common courtesy, compassion, care,

no way to release this anger
as it drowns me
like a tsunami
hurling into me every day
from all angles
it’s everywhere
it’s nowhere
it’s all so fucked up

the bomb inside of me
ready to explode any given moment

is there any hope now?
humanity has sorely fucked it all up

joy and happiness so rare to find
when i look into
Her eyes

my one remaining shred

© ~wicked~

4 weeks to go...

4 weeks from today, We will be married 1 full year


i'z exzited

03 June 2010

15 days married...

Thurs, 3 Jun 2010

wow! has it really been since FEBRUARY that i've journalized??? well, shit...i've been pretty busy with wedding plans and all! jeesh ;-)

yes...15 days married today and it still feels surreal at times.
We had a wonderful, beautiful day. the ceremony was beautiful and just right for Us. kudos to City Hall for such a heartwarming and memorable wedding ceremony for She and i (and Our small but happy group of family/friends).

it's strange yet wonderfully refreshing to compare my two weddings...yes, sadly, i'd been married before - and even sadder...to a dude - for 19 yrs :-(
yet, it's not a regret in my life because i am proud of the two amazing humans that were born from that relationship.

i find myself retelling the story comparisons to those interested in knowing why i would get married a second time...or married at all.

i find myself having sad memories of the first time around on 1 Sept 1984 - waking up, calling my mom and crying my heart out - asking "why" am i getting married? telling her it's not what i wanted to do...and not even an inkling of my lesbianism was even remotely the reason way back then. i just simply didn't want to get married to him but felt it was my only option. and who was going to tell over 500 wedding-hungry people that the wedding was off?? man, considering 85% of the guests were from his side, that would have been a death call for me. plus, when he asked me to marry him and i hesitated, it was an ultimatum...either yes now or no forever. so, not having my head on 'straight' at the time, wtf was i supposed to do?? i was 23 and didn't think anything better was ever waiting for me out in the world. the possibility of coming out as a lesbian was so far hidden in the recesses of my brain that was certainly not even an option to be considered as, at that time, i still felt coming out would never be an option in my life. so, yeah...i went ahead, said yes but knew that the underlying sadness was not what married life was supposed to be...but who had ever let me know or encouraged me that there were other options?? no one in my life.

i love my mom to the depth of my core but even she made it seem like i had no other options...on that day when i called her crying my heart out and, eventually, later when i finally came out to her 21 yrs after that first wedding day. when it all blurted out of me on the phone that i was a lesbian, she simply said that was no surprise to her and that she'd known since i was at least a teenager. when i asked her why she didn't divulge this knowledge to me, she said she didn't want me to have a difficult life as a lesbian surely would have had...oh, really, mom? in comparison to what? the 'better' life i had with him?? the abuse, the anger, the constant negatives? that's what her silence was saving me from?

well, in understanding my mom better in recent years, she had her own homophobic issues which i understood but didn't want her using as an excuse...not with me (or my M) anyhow.

but she sat proudly at Our wedding 15 days ago, 19 May 2010. my kids stood proudly for Us as Our witnesses. WE stood proudly, facing each other, holding Our hands and repeating the beautiful vows that our officiant had set out for Us.

the second time (for me but first for my M), is completely different in ALL aspects to the the first time around. not only in the gender i married but in the day, surroundings and events themselves.

this time i was marrying the 'vision' i had had in my head for many years but never thought was ever possible.
this time i wore simple yet appealingly beautiful outfits (yes, i wore two different styles in the matter of about 30 minutes - lol - a story on its own).
this time i was looking into the eyes of a beautiful soul mate who's love for me was so deep and genuine like i'd never experienced ever in my life. a love i fervently and happily reciprocate.
this time i was marrying the person i wanted to marry. i was elated and giddy about Our upcoming wedding...i was looking forward to getting married and i most certainly look forward to spending my life with Her. i'm excited about Our life together...what we'll do, where we'll go and the adventures we'll share together. the 'loner' side of me seems to have disappeared.
this time, when i cried on my wedding day, it was with the happiest of tears and with proud honour of marrying Her. i was proud of Us.

and like one of my friends, a guest at the wedding, said to me later...the day was all about M and i - not about flowers, not about guests, not about the dress or the food or anything material...it was about M and i solidifying Our love and committment to each other and how Our love for each other cast an energy that hovered in the entire room.

i turned 50 11 days before We got married...this was the BEST birthday present anyone could ever ask for.

i love You, my M.

23 February 2010

Tuesday, 23 Feb 10

omg…She’s got me snacking on fruit & peanut butter in place of the usual chocolate bar, bag of M & M’s (yes, BAG!), cookies (with my tea, of course – which is now more herbal than orange pekoe), Hostess cupcakes….well, you know what i’m talkin’ ‘bout.

the realization just hit me as i’m sitting here at work, almost 13:00 hrs into my day and i’m slicing up an apple and dribbling honey & peanut butter on the slices, ….holy shit, my body is going to freakrightout or go into some mode of healthy-food-intake-shock :-)

it’s not that i (or my kids) ate unhealthy before but i did realize the accumulation of recent months, actually years, of stress had put me back on the junk food circuit where i was happily chomping down on all stuff that tasted oh-so-fine but was majorily BAD for my lovely curves. curves that are now approaching their ½ a century mark soon and won’t shed any excess Michelin-man fat rings so easily anymore.

since Her loveliness has moved Herself into our lives – my only-child-left-at-home-now son and i – there’s been a subtle but ever-so-healthy change in eating habits. old habits die hard and the junkie urges still hit me but i’m getting better at resisting them. our family dinners consist of HUGE amounts of veggies, lean meats and lower carbage intake….especially for still-growing-Green-Giant teenage boy who practically cannot breathe without his rice or pasta. but he, too, is showing the positive results of his soon-to-be-step-mommie’s cooking efforts! his own 12 pack might just be down to an 8 pack now. lol

so, it is with sadness, and a surprising lack of chocolate-bar craving, that i slowly savour the last slice of apple with pb&honey, clean my knife, close the lids on the jars and throw away the napkin it all had a marvellous food-orgy on.

bon appetite, mes amis!


12 February 2010

Friday, 12 February 2010

oh wow....it's been too long for me in writing
but i just haven't felt like it
or i'm too lazy
or i haven't felt well
it's been a crazy couple of months

but, Our day is fast approaching and every time my brain lands on those thoughts - SEVERAL times a day, btw, it puts a smile on my face
this huge gooshy stupid totally-in-love grin
but i love it

and it's noticed by others
like family and co-workers

We have lots to do between now and then and i'm def worried about the financing of it all,
even though we're keeping it very basic but, at the same time, i'm ecstatic because, when i look at Her, it all feels good....it all feels just right....and i can't wait for She and i to become spouses, lifemates, wifey-to-wifey, even though We've been living together since August '09.

at times i feel a little sad, only because of my own inner issues...scars from the past. i know it hurts Her when i show my moments of mistrust. i don't do it intentionally - it's just the way i am...the way i've been all my life since i was that little cutsie with the blonde curls who was treated like shit by her father...that little girl who had the brightest smile for those who showed her love....that little girl who will now be 50 in a couple of months - who has finally found her soul mate....her life partner....and who shares that honest, true love with someone who, just as much and maybe even more, deserves it.

yet we carry our scars with us...how can we not?? it's been cut into our very souls and hearts from a young age. sometimes when i look at Her, my heart feels pain at the same time that it swells with the deep love i have for Her. because i know, too, what She's had to endure since childhood. fucking people that have hurt both of Us...fuckers. and enough said on that.

now back to the good stuff.....Our upcoming nuptials...HA! funny word that is. lol
as basic as We're keeping it, i am sooooo excited. not like the first time around...uh, uh...that was a bittersweet day back then...more bitter than sweet...or at least from the honeymoon on. and...enough about that shit too.

i'm excited about the moment She and i will be standing beside each other, across from each other, accepting Our 'formal' vows. i'm excited about being able to kiss Her in a safe, accepting environment in front of family and friends. i'm excited about the day She and i will be standing on the beach, exchanging our "personal" vows to each other.

most of all, i'm excited about spending my life with Her.
i pray to the higher Powers that be, that they grant She and i a healthy, long, loving life together because the alternative thought is too much for me to bear.
yes, i love Her that much.

16 December 2009

Wednesday, 16 Dec 09

i'm watching her preparing stuff for dinner....she's so cute. she's prepping dinner tonight so i can rest a little but i'm feeling guilty just sitting here, not helping...yet she wants me to try to get over this fucking post-viral cough that's been making me unhappy.

today, i was listening to some old tunes....like the one below. reminded me how, in the 80's, folks (straight folks, that is) had this song playing at their weddings - it was one of the most popular ones to play next to the Frozen Ghost song, Dreams Come True.

so, for my sweetheart, who i can't wait to wed next year, this is for you...hey - maybe WE should play this as Our first song??? **kidding**...kind of ;-)

When I'm With You - Sheriff

I never needed love like I need you

And I never lived for nobody, but I live for you

Oooh, babe, lost in love is what I feel when I'm with you

Maybe it's the way you touch me with the warmth of a sun

Maybe it's the way you smile, I come all undone

Oooh, babe, lost in love is that I feel when I'm with you

Baby, oh I get chills when I'm with you

Baby, my world stands still when I'm with you

When I'm with you

I never cared for nobody like I care for you

And I never wanted to share the things I want to share with you

Oooh, babe, lost in love is what I feel when I'm with you

Baby, oh I get chills when I'm with you

Baby, my world stands still when I'm with you

When I'm with you

Baby, oh I get chills when I'm with you

Baby, my world stands still when I'm with you

When I'm with you

When I'm with you

When I'm with you...

11 December 2009

for my Babee....

Syrup And Honey

Don’t you being wasting all your money
On syrup and honey
Because I’m sweet enough
Don’t you be using every minute
On making a living
Because we got our love
Listen to me, 1,2,3
Baby, baby, baby spend your time on me

Don’t you be out all night long
Leaving me all alone
Because I, I need your love
Don’t you be spending everyday working away
Because I’m waiting for you
Listen to me, 1,2,3
Baby, baby, baby spend your time on me

Spend it, spend it, spend your time on me
Please baby
Please baby