12 February 2010

Friday, 12 February 2010

oh wow....it's been too long for me in writing
but i just haven't felt like it
or i'm too lazy
or i haven't felt well
it's been a crazy couple of months

but, Our day is fast approaching and every time my brain lands on those thoughts - SEVERAL times a day, btw, it puts a smile on my face
this huge gooshy stupid totally-in-love grin
but i love it

and it's noticed by others
like family and co-workers

We have lots to do between now and then and i'm def worried about the financing of it all,
even though we're keeping it very basic but, at the same time, i'm ecstatic because, when i look at Her, it all feels good....it all feels just right....and i can't wait for She and i to become spouses, lifemates, wifey-to-wifey, even though We've been living together since August '09.

at times i feel a little sad, only because of my own inner issues...scars from the past. i know it hurts Her when i show my moments of mistrust. i don't do it intentionally - it's just the way i am...the way i've been all my life since i was that little cutsie with the blonde curls who was treated like shit by her father...that little girl who had the brightest smile for those who showed her love....that little girl who will now be 50 in a couple of months - who has finally found her soul mate....her life partner....and who shares that honest, true love with someone who, just as much and maybe even more, deserves it.

yet we carry our scars with us...how can we not?? it's been cut into our very souls and hearts from a young age. sometimes when i look at Her, my heart feels pain at the same time that it swells with the deep love i have for Her. because i know, too, what She's had to endure since childhood. fucking people that have hurt both of Us...fuckers. and enough said on that.

now back to the good stuff.....Our upcoming nuptials...HA! funny word that is. lol
as basic as We're keeping it, i am sooooo excited. not like the first time around...uh, uh...that was a bittersweet day back then...more bitter than sweet...or at least from the honeymoon on. and...enough about that shit too.

i'm excited about the moment She and i will be standing beside each other, across from each other, accepting Our 'formal' vows. i'm excited about being able to kiss Her in a safe, accepting environment in front of family and friends. i'm excited about the day She and i will be standing on the beach, exchanging our "personal" vows to each other.

most of all, i'm excited about spending my life with Her.
i pray to the higher Powers that be, that they grant She and i a healthy, long, loving life together because the alternative thought is too much for me to bear.
yes, i love Her that much.

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