Monday, 30 November

Christmas is almost upon us….this year, I’m happy to say, I AM SO looking forward to it ‘cause I get to spend it with my honey! Yay!

It’s a big relief to me…probably more for her….that we finally got the last big load of her stuff down to her parent’s place this past weekend….lots of hard work but it’s done now for a while.

Until we move again in March….ugh. L

I know neither of us is looking forward to that…especially her.

I’m hoping she’ll understand that it’s a necessity for me more than for her but also for both of us – if we move closer to her work, she won’t have to battle so much traffic and I may not have to worry about her quite so much while she’s commuting to and from.

And I’m sorry…

But I honestly cannot see us continuing to live in that environment...paying an outrageous amount of rent, putting up with the constant “bowling alley” activities above us from asshole neighbours, having no decent hot water in the mornings, and running into the largest group of rude, disrespectful snots in one area that I’ve ever seen…. (that rant will be another blog soon)

Anyhow, the load is now stored and we can concentrate on other, more important matters…like our upcoming wedding! J

Overall, as tiring as it was, it was a good weekend despite both of us feeling shitty in a health sense.

My daughter came for a visit on Sunday with “her” dog, (used to be my dog but she ‘napped him when she moved out on her own). We had a nice visit – long overdue – and she and her brother are cool with witness duty at our civic ceremony in May.

Wow….i’m still in awe of turning 50 in May next year and getting married to the love of my life only less than 2 weeks later! how great is that?? gawd, I’ve been so giddy in the past few weeks! Lol

She reminds me, every single day, just how loved I really am. The sense of that is like a warm comforting blanket wrapped around me. To feel Her love is more than any joyous words I can come up with.

Right now, in conjunction of writing this blog, I’m also writing my long awaited letter to my mother…it’s the only comfortable way I know right now to tell her of our upcoming events…it’s so strange to do that, however.

Mom and I used to be able to talk about anything and everything…but in the past 3 or 4 years, it’s become increasingly more difficult for me.

But M is my life now. We are in this together and I won’t allow anyone to tell me otherwise. I won’t crawl back into the proverbial closet for anyone just because they don’t agree with the gender I love and am happy with.

I did that for over 40 fucking years…and that brought nothing but pain, stress and sheer unhappiness for me.

Ok, here goes…off to finish my letter…hope mom will deal with it in a loving way.

Love You Baby!

Monday, 23 Nov - my brain is on standby

again...

fuck

but i DID make some progress today

i actually got a brainstorm and kicked off the writing of my wedding vows

to Her

problem might be: i may write TOO MUCH...i'm such a long-winded old bag

fuck

lol

actually...

i DO have shit to get off my chest....it's this "friends" bullshit again

WHY????aaaarrrggghhhh are people so fucked up??? and the serious question is: WHY do i always end up with fucked up people as friends???

i think it's my 'fight for the underdog' persona and that i feel sorry for others far too easy...gets my knickers into a clusterfuck each and every time

there's L: 8 fucking years of providing her with support, care, advice...and she STILL can't get past the issues of the dude her fucked her over 5 or 6 yrs ago....fuck, girl, GET THE FUCK OVER IT! each and every successive dude since then has been a total fuck up, including Cali dude that she's been labouring and drooling over the past few months....really, did you honestly think it was going to work out??? him living, breathing, drooling over Cali girls over good old-fashioned Ornamental-cute-fortune-cookie Canadian chick? the distance ALONE is a killer.

but that's not why i'm pissed at her.

alongside being a soft-ass and caving into the stupidity of dudes, she was most insulting to me several weeks ago when she finally saw my hair cut short....so, not having received ANYTHING from her...not a phone call, not an email...god-forbid an apology, she has, as well, NOT responded to an email i sent her 2 days ago giving her my version of events and asking her to reply with her version of what, literally, fucking happened.

well, fuck her. i deserve better after 8 yrs of die-hard putting up with her whiney shit.

then there's the other one - A (stands for "loser-chick" - yeah, worse than the previous one if you can believe that)...the one who CANNOT function normally in her life without worrying what the fuck everyone 'is going to say" or "think" or how they'll all talk behind her back blah blah fucking blah!

fuck, lady. you're so caught up in your bullshit worry about WHAT OTHERS THINK that you totally diss all your "good" friends, don't invite us to your wedding, fucking LIE to us that it's only family but then send all of us wedding photos clearly showing other coworkers who actually had the fucking privilege of being invited! now how the fuck do you think that makes those of us who have stood by you for years feel????? like a hard slap in the face....sure, then comes the lame excuse of how those others bullied you into being invited...fuck lady, have a fucking backbone and a shred of self-respect....those who don't deserve to be invited DON'T GET INVITED....it's quite simple, really. it's called staying TRUE TO YOURSELF! ok, so i accepted your apology and life goes on....

fuck

so then some dweeb boy at the Duty Desk gives me fucking attitude a few days later while she's down there as well when i ask him to...get this....PUSH A FUCKING BUTTON on a board to view a room for legal proceedings....oh, excuse me, mr.-dont-bother-me-now-i'm-reading-a-book asshole....newsflash....YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE READING A BOOK BEHIND THE FISHBOWL WINDOWS WHERE THE PUBLIC/LAWYERS/CLAIMANTS CAN SEE YOU!!!! DUH! it makes for really unprofessional manners as we try to represent our govn't dept in the best manner we can...and if i hear "it's not my job" one more time, someone is seriously going to get a fucking mouth lashing from me...and, loser-dude, you want to lodge a complaint against ME???? huh, asshole...go for it...what you don't realize is that i have a solid 8 yr moral and professional workplace reputation with top management....i think they'll more than likely see my side of the situation considering you're reading a book during work hours IN FRONT OF EVERYONE.

asshole loser.

but she - A - comes to me after that incident and says something like "oh, don't get me in the middle of this 'cause i have to work with these people!"...really, W T F???? ok, so now i clearly see where i stand in this friendship circle...again...NOT. i'm out! now leave me the fuck alone.

so yeah, fuck her (and him) too

i'm so done with the losers on that floor....it would take a fucking novel to explain just how terrible the work attitude and ethics are there.

ok....bullshit purged.

wedding plans coming along nicely.

letter to my mom next...seems the best way to break the news to her.

oh, why can't this shit be a little easier???

the other child....

is now on board with my/Our upcoming wedding....
why is this such a big deal for me?
because, as sweet and wonderful as my daughter is, she's hugely homophobic...
she's had issues with me, her lesbian mom here, since my coming out several years ago
but, in short, she's happy for both M and i
she really likes M a lot (thankfully)
i guess i should thank my son for that one...
he's been Our biggest cheerleader and supporter
who would have thought?
lol
seems he smoothed the path for me to tell my daughter
and invite her to do up Our invitations because she's fabulously artistic
so far, the wedding will have all/most of M's family units and her closest friends T & F, and now both my son & daughter and my best friend L.

next hurdles:
1. tell my mom/stepdad
2. tell M's ex gf (as they're both still friends)

two very tough hurdles
why?
hmmmm,
1. although my mom/stepdad are cool and understanding of M "being different", apparently, according to my mom, my stepdad has not accepted me "being different"..W T F???? after this many years???

2. the ex gf is a sensitive and kind person whose been through a lot of pain in her life already, including the breakup between her and M and now M and i being/living together....it's going to be real difficult for her to deal with Us getting married now too...especially so soon into hooking up with each other

it's going to get quite interesting in the next little while....

lack of sleep

this morning i woke up quite miserable...bitch that i can be
and i know She tried, hard, to help me feel better because She knew i hadn't slept well and that i have many concerns on my mind but
stubborn ass that i am
i let Her go to work without
a hug
a kiss
a "drive safe"
a "have a good day"
i'm such an asshole

i need to try to not do that again

it was a bit of a difficult day
having not had much sleep
and having my brain spinning faster than a carousel on the intensifying health issues creeping up quickly with me
i emailed Her because i knew i'd done wrong and i missed Her
and the song "Where Ya Wanna Go" by BEP was playing (over and over and over again) which made me remember an afternoon not too long ago of a WOW makeout session to that song

by 8:30, the lesbian-not-so-nice receptionist was coldly telling me that my/Our doctor wanted to see me for a follow-up appt - i politely reminded the l.n.s.n. girl that i already had one for Friday - oh yeah, great on that too...fuck, it's the 13th on Friday!
won't be a good day to receive what i KNOW is going to be bad news because that's real quick for any of my test results to come back from Monday's rounds....
and my 'problem' seems to be getting worse

and as i'm drowning in my own self-pity pool, trying real hard not to cry - and that effort failed too....my phone rings

it's my former-boss-gone-on-assignment-for-a-bit-but-may-not-come-back...someone i care for immensely...she is/was not only my manager but we're good friends too

obviously because
she called me to help her
today
to find Admin folks to get a wheelchair
i roll chair into her office on another floor to see her bent over her waste basket, heaving and throwing up and moaning in severe pain
i finally was able to talk her into allowing us to call an ambulance for her....i convinced her by reminding her she'd get triaged much quicker if the EMS dudes brought her in...good girl, she listened to me
hey...i got to ride in an EMS vehicle - in the front...thought in brain: "please let it NEVER be in the back!"
finally they let me see her after almost 2 hrs of waiting....she was ok, i hope
her pains had subsided and she was no longer throwing up (no, not the flu...she was hurling from the severe pains shooting through her uterus)...i swear she passed a stone or something...or maybe a cyst burst? hopefully her family doc will find out 'cause the hospital found NOTHING! jeesh.
so back to work i went but then my own worries creeped back into my brain...i'm stressed to the max worrying myself over what could be wrong....fuck, i hate when i start reading up on 'symptoms'...i'm going to drive myself crazy
i can only hope, at this time, that it won't be too serious
i have a wedding to get ready for
i have a Dominican trip to go on with my honey

a beautiful SURPRISE!

on 5 Nov 09

i'm on the phone as i hear my name being called
loudly
which pissed me off
so i yell back "I'M ON THE PHONE!!!!"
only to have one of the other assistants come around to my desk holding an amazingly beautiful bouquet of flowers!
instinctively i knew who they were from as my mind raced to see what i had done to deserve such a gift
Her reason?
just because
wow

and so it begins....

it is now Tuesday, 10 November 2009

i begin these journal writings because i've noticed i've been REAL bad at keeping track of dates and special events

with her
holy shit

it was always me in prior relationships who kept every special date written down, every blog/text/email in a folder, special stepping stones of happenings throughout the relationship...i've stopped doing that

reason: unknown

but She does....and it's precious

and it's kind of a relief too
as the burden is no longer with me
for a change

but this lack of my doing it has caused me guilt tinged with sadness because i know it's important to Her

my M

so i've decided to keep a journal
online
(kind of like Melissa's Tammy - Hollywood Farm Girl, if you know what i mean)

but unlike Her's
Her's written with Her sexy penmanship in little journal books with lined paper

the other difference on mine will be that very private stuff will be kept OFF this page for no one's eyes

that's where i'm now different too
since soulmating with Her

i no longer share my worries and woes with friends/family/blog sites
i keep them to myself
i try to share them with Her when i'm calm
(or not - fuck)
and i strive to work them out with Her/Us

i love this woman
to no end
this life partner i know is my
soulmate

and with this love for Her
brings a few changes in me

including the utmost respect for Her/Our stuff,
issues
whatever you want to call it

so let's see
(babe, if you read this, please correct any boo-boos 'cause you know how stupid i've been with dates)

we met online on myspace.com in November? 2006
she was tied to someone
i was tied to someone
neither matchup going too well for either of us

we became fast, really good friends
our lives always seeming to be parallel with each other's
sharing our happy/sad/angry/fucked up times

2007 (month forgotten) she moved several provinces away
holy shit ;-(

but friendship remained
we were good penpals

19 May 2008, thanks to her daddy's 75th, we had a chance to meet up in person
as friends

in short, we had a blast together
Her energies fucking amazing
Her eyes sparkling, filled with laughter
(and sexiness)
She, inspiring me in many areas, including photography which i'm not too shabby at.

5 days later, She went back home

later (or recently) i find out, She left with sadness, heartache and a vow to move back to her family and friends here
and, shockingly

me

and so Our journey continued on a rocky road created soley by me....

a couple of months after she left from Our visit, i ended my relationship with my then gf on PRIDE weekend - yeah, timing's never been my forte

only 3 weeks later, i hook back up with her, realizing within a few days that i'd made a mistake....all that frustration and pent up emotions sent me into total bitch mode and since my then gf intensely disliked M and rode my ass hard about my friendship with her, i did a really stupid thing....

i flung M from my life
in a stone-cold way

during all of that, She still moved back here, leaving behind a world of precious personal belongings too expensive to bring back with Her....the cost for Her enormous, both financial and emotional.

it scared me, Her move back and then to find out She was now working only a couple of blocks away from my work....but i knew i missed Her
i missed Our friendship

so, tail between my legs, i emailed Her with anticipated, cautious hope that She would forgive me

in short, She did
cautiously
ecause i knew i'd hurt Her badly a few months back

but there She was
gain
ll glorious wonderful Her

although i could see tiny hints of Her feelings towards me, i made extra efforts to ignore those hints because, in my mind, something serious between Us was not feasible...ever

thinking i'd accomplished my goal of blocking Her out romantically, i failed to realize that all Her blogs She'd been writing the past almost 2? yrs were actually about me...Her dreams of Us.

i honestly (and stupidly) thought She was writing about other women She'd fallen for because before the end of 2008, She was single and free despite Her ex-gf having moved back with Her and now being roommates and still good friends...

we continued to hang out more and more....earlier this year, i, too, made a final disconnection from my gf, breathing many sighs of relief from the turmoils that had caused me...so now i, too, was free and single and determined to STAY that way.....
or not ;-)
serious attempt was to be made to wile away my wicked ways with as many women as i could...never to tie myself to anyone again

but then something intervened in my solid plans...

since PRIDE weekend of this year, i came to the realization that this woman had been loving me for a very long time
this woman had been patient and stoic through all of Our turmoils, including the time i coldly pushed Her out of my life

thinking i could do the 'friends-with-benefits' thing with Her, i leaped at the chance to finally see what was behind all that sexual energy between Us quickly realizing that i, too, was falling into the realm of loving Her

in July, after taking a long hard look at my life and what i really wanted, i, once again, went over my 'list of criteria' - a list i had of what i needed and expected in someone who was going to share my life
an impossible list, really, because who would ever fit that mold?

surprisingly, i found She met every single criteria
wow
the reality jolted me backwards
hard

but a scarey decision was made at that very moment

the decision to love Her like my heart told me to
the decision to take Her hand and jump off the cliff together into the pit of uncertain life together

She told me that the look in my eyes had changed from one day to the next - my eyes told her what my mouth couldn't right away
the look She now saw radiated my pure love for Her

that look is my daily goal for Her....i need Her to know how much i love Her each and every single day
how much i adore Her
how much i cherish Her
how much i need Her in my life

this amazing creature i will soon call my wife