Tuesday, 23 Feb 10

omg…She’s got me snacking on fruit & peanut butter in place of the usual chocolate bar, bag of M & M’s (yes, BAG!), cookies (with my tea, of course – which is now more herbal than orange pekoe), Hostess cupcakes….well, you know what i’m talkin’ ‘bout.

the realization just hit me as i’m sitting here at work, almost 13:00 hrs into my day and i’m slicing up an apple and dribbling honey & peanut butter on the slices, ….holy shit, my body is going to freakrightout or go into some mode of healthy-food-intake-shock :-)

it’s not that i (or my kids) ate unhealthy before but i did realize the accumulation of recent months, actually years, of stress had put me back on the junk food circuit where i was happily chomping down on all stuff that tasted oh-so-fine but was majorily BAD for my lovely curves. curves that are now approaching their ½ a century mark soon and won’t shed any excess Michelin-man fat rings so easily anymore.

since Her loveliness has moved Herself into our lives – my only-child-left-at-home-now son and i – there’s been a subtle but ever-so-healthy change in eating habits. old habits die hard and the junkie urges still hit me but i’m getting better at resisting them. our family dinners consist of HUGE amounts of veggies, lean meats and lower carbage intake….especially for still-growing-Green-Giant teenage boy who practically cannot breathe without his rice or pasta. but he, too, is showing the positive results of his soon-to-be-step-mommie’s cooking efforts! his own 12 pack might just be down to an 8 pack now. lol

so, it is with sadness, and a surprising lack of chocolate-bar craving, that i slowly savour the last slice of apple with pb&honey, clean my knife, close the lids on the jars and throw away the napkin it all had a marvellous food-orgy on.

bon appetite, mes amis!

muah!

Friday, 12 February 2010

oh wow....it's been too long for me in writing

but i just haven't felt like it

or i'm too lazy

or i haven't felt well

it's been a crazy couple of months

but, Our day is fast approaching and every time my brain lands on those thoughts - SEVERAL times a day, btw, it puts a smile on my face

this huge gooshy stupid totally-in-love grin

but i love it

and it's noticed by others

like family and co-workers

good

We have lots to do between now and then and i'm def worried about the financing of it all,

even though we're keeping it very basic but, at the same time, i'm ecstatic because, when i look at Her, it all feels good....it all feels just right....and i can't wait for She and i to become spouses, lifemates, wifey-to-wifey, even though We've been living together since August '09.

at times i feel a little sad, only because of my own inner issues...scars from the past. i know it hurts Her when i show my moments of mistrust. i don't do it intentionally - it's just the way i am...the way i've been all my life since i was that little cutsie with the blonde curls who was treated like shit by her father...that little girl who had the brightest smile for those who showed her love....that little girl who will now be 50 in a couple of months - who has finally found her soul mate....her life partner....and who shares that honest, true love with someone who, just as much and maybe even more, deserves it.

yet we carry our scars with us...how can we not?? it's been cut into our very souls and hearts from a young age. sometimes when i look at Her, my heart feels pain at the same time that it swells with the deep love i have for Her. because i know, too, what She's had to endure since childhood. fucking people that have hurt both of Us...fuckers. and enough said on that.

now back to the good stuff.....Our upcoming nuptials...HA! funny word that is. lol

as basic as We're keeping it, i am sooooo excited. not like the first time around...uh, uh...that was a bittersweet day back then...more bitter than sweet...or at least from the honeymoon on. and...enough about that shit too.

i'm excited about the moment She and i will be standing beside each other, across from each other, accepting Our 'formal' vows. i'm excited about being able to kiss Her in a safe, accepting environment in front of family and friends. i'm excited about the day She and i will be standing on the beach, exchanging our "personal" vows to each other.

most of all, i'm excited about spending my life with Her.

i pray to the higher Powers that be, that they grant She and i a healthy, long, loving life together because the alternative thought is too much for me to bear.

yes, i love Her that much.

Wednesday, 16 Dec 09

i'm watching her preparing stuff for dinner....she's so cute. she's prepping dinner tonight so i can rest a little but i'm feeling guilty just sitting here, not helping...yet she wants me to try to get over this fucking post-viral cough that's been making me unhappy.

today, i was listening to some old tunes....like the one below. reminded me how, in the 80's, folks (straight folks, that is) had this song playing at their weddings - it was one of the most popular ones to play next to the Frozen Ghost song, Dreams Come True.

so, for my sweetheart, who i can't wait to wed next year, this is for you...hey - maybe WE should play this as Our first song??? **kidding**...kind of ;-)

When I'm With You - Sheriff

I never needed love like I need you

And I never lived for nobody, but I live for you

Oooh, babe, lost in love is what I feel when I'm with you

Maybe it's the way you touch me with the warmth of a sun

Maybe it's the way you smile, I come all undone

Oooh, babe, lost in love is that I feel when I'm with you

Baby, oh I get chills when I'm with you

Baby, my world stands still when I'm with you

When I'm with you

I never cared for nobody like I care for you

And I never wanted to share the things I want to share with you

Oooh, babe, lost in love is what I feel when I'm with you

Baby, oh I get chills when I'm with you

Baby, my world stands still when I'm with you

When I'm with you

Baby, oh I get chills when I'm with you

Baby, my world stands still when I'm with you

When I'm with you

When I'm with you

When I'm with you...

for my Babee....

lyrics:
Syrup And Honey

Don’t you being wasting all your money
On syrup and honey
Because I’m sweet enough
Don’t you be using every minute
On making a living
Because we got our love
Listen to me, 1,2,3
Baby, baby, baby spend your time on me

Don’t you be out all night long
Leaving me all alone
Because I, I need your love
Don’t you be spending everyday working away
Because I’m waiting for you
Listen to me, 1,2,3
Baby, baby, baby spend your time on me

Spend it, spend it, spend your time on me
Please baby
Mmmm
Please baby

friday, 11 December 2009 - Happy Anniversary ;-)

wow....it's happy 5th month anniversary for She and i today....and, of course, it was one of the first verbal statements She made this morning upon waking....She's so good with stuff like that...i used to be but have allowed the cramming of details into my memory banks to fade in the past couple of years and now that i SHOULD be detailing dates, memories, events, my head is literally too tired

i'm sorry babee....but i'm elated that Your keeping track of everything

so, as blogged on the other profile here, We've hit a slight blockade on Our nuptial proceedings but nothing that will delay Us or deter Us.

it's sad that so many can't look past their selfish opinions and beliefs which puts a damper on this genuinely happy event

i know i made Her sad the other day when i even suggested that We possibly delay Our wedding....but then i thought, "wtf?? why should i, again, do what others want me to do???"

no

We've made these plans, We feel the time is right, We feel it's all falling into place

i re-read my vows the other day, too

and they just make sense to me

and they just seem like the right words to flow from my lips to Her sexy ears

may the Universe, in all its infinite wisdom and possibilities, continue to shine all the positive karma and happy auras Our way

i'm so excited and proud

to become Her wife

and She mine

other enlightening reads ;-)

futchme

lostmybrain

Monday, 30 November

Christmas is almost upon us….this year, I’m happy to say, I AM SO looking forward to it ‘cause I get to spend it with my honey! Yay!

It’s a big relief to me…probably more for her….that we finally got the last big load of her stuff down to her parent’s place this past weekend….lots of hard work but it’s done now for a while.

Until we move again in March….ugh. L

I know neither of us is looking forward to that…especially her.

I’m hoping she’ll understand that it’s a necessity for me more than for her but also for both of us – if we move closer to her work, she won’t have to battle so much traffic and I may not have to worry about her quite so much while she’s commuting to and from.

And I’m sorry…

But I honestly cannot see us continuing to live in that environment...paying an outrageous amount of rent, putting up with the constant “bowling alley” activities above us from asshole neighbours, having no decent hot water in the mornings, and running into the largest group of rude, disrespectful snots in one area that I’ve ever seen…. (that rant will be another blog soon)

Anyhow, the load is now stored and we can concentrate on other, more important matters…like our upcoming wedding! J

Overall, as tiring as it was, it was a good weekend despite both of us feeling shitty in a health sense.

My daughter came for a visit on Sunday with “her” dog, (used to be my dog but she ‘napped him when she moved out on her own). We had a nice visit – long overdue – and she and her brother are cool with witness duty at our civic ceremony in May.

Wow….i’m still in awe of turning 50 in May next year and getting married to the love of my life only less than 2 weeks later! how great is that?? gawd, I’ve been so giddy in the past few weeks! Lol

She reminds me, every single day, just how loved I really am. The sense of that is like a warm comforting blanket wrapped around me. To feel Her love is more than any joyous words I can come up with.

Right now, in conjunction of writing this blog, I’m also writing my long awaited letter to my mother…it’s the only comfortable way I know right now to tell her of our upcoming events…it’s so strange to do that, however.

Mom and I used to be able to talk about anything and everything…but in the past 3 or 4 years, it’s become increasingly more difficult for me.

But M is my life now. We are in this together and I won’t allow anyone to tell me otherwise. I won’t crawl back into the proverbial closet for anyone just because they don’t agree with the gender I love and am happy with.

I did that for over 40 fucking years…and that brought nothing but pain, stress and sheer unhappiness for me.

Ok, here goes…off to finish my letter…hope mom will deal with it in a loving way.

Love You Baby!

Monday, 23 Nov - my brain is on standby

again...

fuck

but i DID make some progress today

i actually got a brainstorm and kicked off the writing of my wedding vows

to Her

problem might be: i may write TOO MUCH...i'm such a long-winded old bag

fuck

lol

actually...

i DO have shit to get off my chest....it's this "friends" bullshit again

WHY????aaaarrrggghhhh are people so fucked up??? and the serious question is: WHY do i always end up with fucked up people as friends???

i think it's my 'fight for the underdog' persona and that i feel sorry for others far too easy...gets my knickers into a clusterfuck each and every time

there's L: 8 fucking years of providing her with support, care, advice...and she STILL can't get past the issues of the dude her fucked her over 5 or 6 yrs ago....fuck, girl, GET THE FUCK OVER IT! each and every successive dude since then has been a total fuck up, including Cali dude that she's been labouring and drooling over the past few months....really, did you honestly think it was going to work out??? him living, breathing, drooling over Cali girls over good old-fashioned Ornamental-cute-fortune-cookie Canadian chick? the distance ALONE is a killer.

but that's not why i'm pissed at her.

alongside being a soft-ass and caving into the stupidity of dudes, she was most insulting to me several weeks ago when she finally saw my hair cut short....so, not having received ANYTHING from her...not a phone call, not an email...god-forbid an apology, she has, as well, NOT responded to an email i sent her 2 days ago giving her my version of events and asking her to reply with her version of what, literally, fucking happened.

well, fuck her. i deserve better after 8 yrs of die-hard putting up with her whiney shit.

then there's the other one - A (stands for "loser-chick" - yeah, worse than the previous one if you can believe that)...the one who CANNOT function normally in her life without worrying what the fuck everyone 'is going to say" or "think" or how they'll all talk behind her back blah blah fucking blah!

fuck, lady. you're so caught up in your bullshit worry about WHAT OTHERS THINK that you totally diss all your "good" friends, don't invite us to your wedding, fucking LIE to us that it's only family but then send all of us wedding photos clearly showing other coworkers who actually had the fucking privilege of being invited! now how the fuck do you think that makes those of us who have stood by you for years feel????? like a hard slap in the face....sure, then comes the lame excuse of how those others bullied you into being invited...fuck lady, have a fucking backbone and a shred of self-respect....those who don't deserve to be invited DON'T GET INVITED....it's quite simple, really. it's called staying TRUE TO YOURSELF! ok, so i accepted your apology and life goes on....

fuck

so then some dweeb boy at the Duty Desk gives me fucking attitude a few days later while she's down there as well when i ask him to...get this....PUSH A FUCKING BUTTON on a board to view a room for legal proceedings....oh, excuse me, mr.-dont-bother-me-now-i'm-reading-a-book asshole....newsflash....YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE READING A BOOK BEHIND THE FISHBOWL WINDOWS WHERE THE PUBLIC/LAWYERS/CLAIMANTS CAN SEE YOU!!!! DUH! it makes for really unprofessional manners as we try to represent our govn't dept in the best manner we can...and if i hear "it's not my job" one more time, someone is seriously going to get a fucking mouth lashing from me...and, loser-dude, you want to lodge a complaint against ME???? huh, asshole...go for it...what you don't realize is that i have a solid 8 yr moral and professional workplace reputation with top management....i think they'll more than likely see my side of the situation considering you're reading a book during work hours IN FRONT OF EVERYONE.

asshole loser.

but she - A - comes to me after that incident and says something like "oh, don't get me in the middle of this 'cause i have to work with these people!"...really, W T F???? ok, so now i clearly see where i stand in this friendship circle...again...NOT. i'm out! now leave me the fuck alone.

so yeah, fuck her (and him) too

i'm so done with the losers on that floor....it would take a fucking novel to explain just how terrible the work attitude and ethics are there.

ok....bullshit purged.

wedding plans coming along nicely.

letter to my mom next...seems the best way to break the news to her.

oh, why can't this shit be a little easier???